Take Myself
by azhaela
Summary: Warning: Extremely sad Destiel.
1. Chapter 1

Dean was sitting on the hood of an old, beat-up car, reminiscing things he didn't want to remember. Closing his eyes, he remembered how all the chaos tearing the world to pieces started because of him. All this weight on his shoulders he'd never even asked for. He didn't want to live like this. He wanted the white picket fence life, to have a family..

A silent tear traced his cheek. Dean didn't want the burdens he had. He was raised into it; it couldn't have been his fault he had to live this life. The media made it seem stylish, but in reality it was living hell.

"Cas, I don't know where you are, why you aren't answering me, but I need you right now." Dean didn't expect an answer. Cas hadn't answered his prayers in a long time. Dean was losing hope, slipping in a world of dark hopelessness.

"Cas, please I'm begging you. I need you here more than I need anything else in the damn world right now. I need to find you, find where you are, and tell you exactly what I've been meaning to tell you all these years." Another tear traced Dean's cheek as he spilled his heart and soul, not caring who heard.

"Please. I love you more than I love life itself. I know you're a bigshot in heaven, but dammit, it's life or death here. I'm sorry for whatever stupid-ass thing I did to upset you, I'm really sorry. I need you. Cas…. please."

"Dean." Cas was standing a ways away from Dean, expression solemn. "What do you need?"

"Cas." Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "I thought you were in danger, you damn near scared me to death."

"If you don't need anything, I will leave."

"Don't leave me, Cas. Not again." Dean brushed away his tears as he spoke. "I've needed you for the longest time. Why show up now?"

"I'm not needed at the moment. I will be needed shortly. Tell me what you need." Cas's expression stayed the same, unfazed.

"You, Cas. I need you."

Cas was suddenly at Dean's throat, throwing him against the car, ignoring the shattering glass behind Dean's head or Dean's wince of pain.

"You called me down here saying it was life or death to give me a sob story? My troops are dying as we speak, Dean. I don't have time for your bitter selfishness or objectification. I have a war to fight. I'm needed up there. If you'd mind not bothering me while I'm on the battlefield, that would be helpful to us both."

Suddenly, Cas was gone. The only one Dean had ever spilled his heart out to was gone with a gust of wind.

"I'm sorry." Dean's voice was broken, tears welling up in his eyes. "I thought you cared."

* * *

_{ 2 weeks later }_

Sam had tracked the GPS on Dean's phone, having not heard from him for weeks. "The lot at Bobby's….." he muttered.

Upon arriving, Sam weaved through the cars, shouting Dean's name. "Dean, you're scaring me, this isn't funny!" he called. Suddenly, his foot hit something.

Dean.

Dean was on the ground, looking like he'd been there for weeks. His gun was in his hand, and he lay completely still.

"No, no, no…." Sam crept along to the other side of the car to see his brother completely.

Dean was dead. He had taken his own life without a second thought.

Tears welling up in his eyes, Sam gathered Dean into his arms. "Why, Dean? I know you didn't have the life you wanted, but it never seemed like you would do this…" He buried his face in his brother's neck. "Dean, come back to me."

Empty silence.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey again! This ficlet turning into another chapter; I was requested to do Castiel's POV upon finding out about Dean's suicide. Will do! :)

* * *

Castiel hadn't heard from Dean in several days. He found it peculiar, considering Dean had prayed to him every day before the incident. Cas really hadn't meant to blow up on Dean, he just got caught up with his frustration knowing his armies needed him then.

He also wasn't sure of how to react to Dean's words.

_"I need you here more than I need anything else in the damn world right now. I need to find you, find where you are, and tell you exactly what I've been meaning to tell you all these years."_

_"Don't leave me, Cas. Not again."_

_"I love you more than life itself."_

_"You, Cas. I need you."_

Cas felt so stupid. He'd left Dean at his weakest point. Dean really did need him.

Suddenly, Sam's voice came to him clear as day. A prayer. Cas found it odd, because Sam wasn't exactly the one to pray to him. Why now?

_"Listen, Castiel, I... I, uh, I know you're busy fighting a war up there... But I need you here. Right now. It's Dean. He-"_

A lump grew in Cas's throat. Something happened to Dean. The rest of the prayer went in one ear and out the other as he found Sam's location and immediately traveled there.

* * *

Cas found Sam on his knees, holding a limp Dean in his arms. "Sam? Dean?"

"Castiel, thanks for coming." Sam turned to look at Cas, his face tear-streaked. Cas noticed he was shaking, and Dean was still unresponsive.

"Dean killed himself."

Cas froze. His jaw automatically dropped in shock, his eyes widening as he scrambled to Dean's side. Cas ran a hand lightly through Dean's hair, uncontrollably shivering. Sam slowly backed off out of earshot, phone in hand, probably to call Bobby. Cas gently cradled Dean's face in his hands.

Cas began speaking quietly, his voice wavering. "Dean, this is my fault. I left when I definitely shouldn't have. I should have stayed here, been here for you, like I always have been all these years. You know I've been here. Times have been unfortunate." A tear traced down Cas's cheek. Cas rarely cried. "I would go back down into hell again just to bring you back up. I didn't mean anything I said. I thought you'd know that."

Cas was crying now, silently in hopes of not alerting Sam. His voice cracked as he spoke again. "I was stupid. I never should have said any of those things to you. You mean everything to me, Dean. Our bond will never be broken, even now. I would fall a thousand times more just to have you here again. You shouldn't have died at my hand, Dean." Cas lowered his head, gently resting it on Dean's chest. "I love you. I always will. I shouldn't have been your cause of death. I'm not worth it." Sam was standing to the side, a tear tracing his cheek as he listened to Cas's words.

Cas closed his eyes, sobbing against Dean, his voice raising. "I'm not going to accept that you're dead. You can't be. You're everything to me, Dean. I don't know if I can pull you out this time. And it's my fault."

_"It's all my fault."_

"I know you thought you deserved to die, Dean, but you didn't. Everyone who truly knows you as I do knew that. You were worth it, a thousand times over."

Cas looked up at Sam as Sam rested a hand on his shoulder. The angel quickly wiped his tears away, turning back to Dean, kissing his forehead softly.

"I love you. And I _will_ save you."

Cas rested his forehead against Dean's.

_"I promise."_


End file.
